I have been a female techie in the biz for 43+ years. I received an MS in Computer Science back in 1980 from Purdue. Admittedly, I was lucky. Having completed my BS in Mathematics in 1979, I was busy applying to Ph.D. programs and set my sights on finding a summer job, one where I could make as much money as possible.

I lived in New Jersey at the time and sent my one-page resume out to many companies, including Bell Labs. Bell Labs responded and wrote that they didn't have temporary jobs. Instead, they were hiring people to work over the summer, and then these new hires went off to graduate school to get an MS in Computer Science while they continued to receive their paycheck. What? Paid to go to school with no other obligations? Could I turn that down? Of course not. I figured I would defer my Math Ph.D. for a year or two while I went down this road.

I chose Purdue because the Computer Science program was very theoretical, which felt like a better match for my background. It was scary heading off to an intense graduate program in a subject that I knew so little about. But I hopped in my car, and off I went anyway. The year went by, and I completed an MS in Computer Science in August 1980 and started working with a brilliant group of people. I discovered I loved it and never looked back.

I've had a long and varied career that includes six years at Bell Labs, 10 years at a healthcare (clinical information systems) startup, four years teaching computer science full-time at the college level, and many years managing small and medium-sized teams. I've had titles that include senior software engineer, architect, technical lead, manager, VP of engineering, and Chief Information Security Officer. Additionally, I've had a long consulting career (still ongoing) and founded a non-profit company. Some work environments have been equitable and healthy, but others have been rife with overt sexism, and I have been the victim of sexual harassment. I could write stories that might make you cringe or make your hair stand on end. But that would not be productive. So instead, I will share some things I discovered along the way, lessons that allowed me to have this long career, often as the only female. I admit to making my own mistakes and learning some of these lessons in the hardest possible way.

• Be friendly, but not friends with people at work. The work team is not your family. I put this first on my list because it is a prerequisite for other items on my list. Of course, you should always be respectful, kind, and professional to everyone. But don't confide or overshare personal details, don't bond over intimate lunches or dinners, or spend significant quality time together outside of work. Why is this such an absolute? People and friendships often change over time which can make you vulnerable. Resentments and jealousies can creep in. Mixing all this with work can form a toxic cocktail. My advice is always to have your friends be from outside of work, without exception. I extend this to include social media "friends." However, the rule disappears once you leave a job. I have befriended several people from former workplaces whom I like and have become close friends after I left the position where we met.

• Set Boundaries. There are two types of boundaries that need to be firmly set: time and behavior. I'll discuss each one separately.

  1. Time: There are 24 hours in the day. Subtracting out our sleeping hours, I advise spending at most 60% (but strive for 50%) of your waking hours focused on work. Plan and prioritize what you will do during the non-work hours. For me, this included family (when my children were younger), fitness (always a priority), music (I play a variety of instruments). You want a balanced life, so strive for very different passions from what you do at work. When you are not working, try to disconnect entirely. Make your available hours explicit and clear so there are appropriate expectations concerning your responsiveness and availability.

  Years ago, I carried a beeper (remember those?) where I felt I had to be "on-call" 24x7. I believed my knowledge and familiarity with the product necessitated this. One particularly stressful day, I was at a movie theater and couldn't relax because I was afraid the beeper would go off. After that, I gave the beeper back and told management I wouldn't carry it at all. There were a lot of intelligent people who could support the product. They could call me (phone), and I would either be available to help or not. I never did carry a beeper again. And it was all fine.

  It takes courage, experience, and self-confidence to set time boundaries. Sometimes, people feel they have to work 150% to be successful, especially women. Sometimes people feel a constant need to be involved, prove themselves and be heroic. It takes maturity to set time boundaries, stick to them and understand that if things don't get done, so be it.

  2. Behavior: This means putting up a wall that keeps out inappropriate, disrespectful, or condescending behavior. After all my years of experience, I can erect this wall with a "look" or a "tone of voice." I don't use the look or tone often, but it is quickly understood and acknowledged when I do. I know that often women have a hard time saying “no” and setting boundaries without feeling guilty. I was this way myself when I was much younger. But there are specified things that need to be firm boundaries in this area:

  • Disrespect such as demeaning, condescending, or patronizing behavior
  • Any abusive behavior: This includes bullying, harassment, or discrimination. Long ago, I had a manager who threatened to withhold the raise of one of my direct reports unless I performed a specific task unrelated to my job. He knew that I would never respond to a threat regarding my raise, but a threat against one of my team members would be completely different. This is an example of abusive or bullying behavior.
  • Meanness as in violent or aggressive (including passive-aggressive) behavior

  My advice is to develop techniques, verbal and non-verbal, that immediately put up an armored wall between you and whoever might be crossing a "behavior" boundary. If the perpetrator continues, escalate right away. Don't put up with the behavior, even for a minute, and don't try to negotiate or reason with an abuser because it won't work.

• Positivity: Negativity in the workplace can spread like wildfire, causing widespread damage. At the first signs (which can be subtle), it needs to be quickly addressed and become the highest priority. Listen to the people around you. Empower people to suggest and implement ideas to counter these issues. Be open to making changes large and small, including those that affect your role.

I love being a techie working in healthy organizations that embrace diversity. I've been in this game for 43 years, and it has been a wild ride, both fun and rewarding. I hope to continue for many more years, focusing on strengthening non-profit organizations from a technical and security perspective.